Random Stories, Conversations, E-mails, and Things I Like to Talk About.

Today’s Topic: IKEA

MALM.  This is the side table that I tried to build three times.  It’s still missing a front panel.

Last night I went out for a bit and had a long discussion with a guy named Terry about IKEA.  I found out that Terry also has MALM furniture from IKEA.  (Do I have to keep capitalizing all of these words?)  I remember when I first bought my dressers – one had three drawers and the other had six.  I had just moved to Chicago, I had no furniture and I was sleeping on an air mattress for at least a month.  Let’s just say that if my roommate’s mom hadn’t helped me build my furniture, I’d still be working on it.

Why is it that when you go to IKEA you feel like you can build anything?  You don’t realize that when you open the box at home that 1 million tiny abstract and foreign objects fall out and you’re supposed to make it all fit together.  Talk about overwhelming.  Terry explained that he was going to build his MALM bed frame and said, “Whoever came up with this bed frame had to be an asshole.”  He told me that the outer part of the frame is pretty stable, but then it comes with very thin strips of metal that you’re supposed to put in the center of the frame diagonally.  He said, “I’m pretty sure the only purpose of the metal strips is to cut you and piss you off.”  Fair enough.

I have more questions, IKEA.  Listen up.

1) Why is it that when you go to IKEA, the size of your cart makes sense (because you are bound to buy large objects and a lot of cheap stuff) yet the space you are supposed to make your cart fit in is unreasonably small.  Sorry, IKEA, I can’t fit my huge cart in between 14 bed frames, a comforter bin and 27 other people dilly-dallying around the store.  I just can’t.

2) Why is it that when I walk into IKEA I’m suddenly starving.  The last place I want to eat is at a “home goods” store…yet, whenever I go to IKEA, I’m convinced that I haven’t eaten in days.  Last time I went I chose Swedish Meatballs.  Why, Nikki?!  WHY?

3) Why do I feel like I can purchase a bed frame and it will magically condense into a small box to fit in my car?  The last time I went to IKEA, I bought a bed frame.  If I made one wrong move on the road for the ride home, I would no longer be here to ask these questions.  I could have been decapitated by a bed frame box, people.

4) Why is IKEA so out of the way?  IKEA is located in two obscure suburbs that I just have no desire to go to — other than to shop at IKEA.  Sorry, Schaumburg and Bolingbrook, I have found no other use for you yet.

5) Why do people bring small children to IKEA?  If I were a mom, this would be the last place on Planet Earth I would want to bring them…mostly for fear of them potentially getting run over by a huge cart or finding them tangled in a shower curtain display.

6) Why do I buy everything I don’t need?  “I totally need a pastry brush!  Oh, and this microwave lid will be perfect for when I make dinner.”  What?  No.  You are in a delusional IKEA world, where Swedish Meatballs and the idea that cheap home goods will make your life better.  Although, I could use an apple slicer.  Those are cool, right?

7) Your “Returns” department seems efficient…until I realize I’m number 743,092 and you’re only on number 12.  I don’t want to spend my entire day on your non-cushiony seats while I sit there with my MALM bedside table.  I want to spend my day shopping on three floors getting excited at all the possibilities of what my room could look like — before the dread of building something hits me like a brick wall.

I have a love-hate relationship with IKEA.  I hate going, yet I want to go.  I can’t wait to buy more useless things and spend money on cute napkins and cardboard artwork.

I have to go to IKEA soon…can’t wait!